I’m starting to worry… Okay, the irony there is apparent. I always worry! But what I am starting to worry about this time is, people’s lack of knowledge about technology. Maybe not all technology as much as simply just computers. I do have my blog.. I’ll give you that. But I don’t have a Facebook or a Twitter. And I got rid of them because they were changing me. Making me into the type of person I have always hated. The person who posts things every 5 seconds because not enough people responded to my last posts. The person who had 1,500 friends on Facebook but only knew a quarter of them. The person who posted a picture, and then deleted it if it didn’t receive enough likes. I just couldn’t take who I was becoming. Now, I feel like I can see everything about people that I didn’t see before because I am not buried behind a computer screen looking at a picture that had some major electronic surgery done to it. We all know you don’t really look like that. You are not fooling anyone 😉 What I worry about is the hate that can be passed through the internet. Now, if you are being picked on as a young kid, they can press send over and over and If something lands on the internet that you didn’t want anyone to know, it will be there forever. The computer is like writing all your secrets and fears in a black permanent marker on a white wall, and getting rid of it is like painting over it with a clear coat. You can coat it on as much as you want… You’re only making it glossy. Making it more appealing. The more people know you don’t want them to know what they know…. The more they care to know it.. How’s that for a tongue twister? Put into more simple terms….. Please be careful what you say to people on the internet.. You may just feel like a stranger with a witty comment.. But you could be the last thing someone reads before they decide to leave this earth forever..Sad but true.
There are two things I try not to let control my life, First being regret, and the other being fear of the unknown. People constantly tell me, “You’re only 18. Stop stressing about everything. Enjoy it while it lasts!” .. But what I can’t stop stressing about is that I won’t be only 18 forever, and I hate not knowing what will happen later on down the road. You see, when I was 11, there were only 2 things on my mind for my future and that was me, and my acting. I didn’t really need anything else to be happy as long as I could do acting for the rest of my life. But everything happens for a reason, the only problem is, I don’t know if the reason I am not an actress yet is because I am not meant to be one, or because I am not meant to be one YET. Along the years of growing up, I stumbled across something I NEVER thought I would have. A serious relationship. I fought very hard to be with the person I am still with for almost 2 years now. And I remember everyone repeating the same things to me, “Don’t let this relationship stop you from reaching your dreams.” or “If you had to choose, Which one would you go with? Your relationship, or your dreams?”… Why can’t I have both? But now, my mind is so overwhelmed with thoughts of, What if acting doesn’t work out? What job will you have? Should you go to school for a backup plan? Are backup plans just predetermined failure? Or are backup plans called being smart? Don’t you want a job that is stable and you can have a family with? Don’t you want a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 office job? One with steady income and opportunity? Can you be happy doing that? Or will you spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that this is what it came to, no acting, sitting in an office, with a normal house and a normal family? Or is that what happy is? Having a family, and someone to love, and opportunity that comes in small bits everyday. Not having to travel or worry about the fame becoming too much for your significant other… Geeez, I feel like i’m already 30! What it really comes down to for me is being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Sure, acting makes me extremely happy, but not at the cost of having success with no one to share it with that I love and the loves me. I guess we will just have to see where I go. Maybe I will hit it big with acting, and keep an amazing relationship. Or maybe I will have a successful business career. Whatever the case may be, I can promise you that I wont let my self do anything that makes me unhappy. ❤
Sometimes things happen we never thought could or would. Though I am still naive enough to think I finally have it all figured out every time. I just can’t quite seem to grasp people’s motives for the stupid things they do anymore. I like having the mentality that there is good in everyone, but it is not easy to think that way when everyone is so good at proving me wrong. Have you ever heard anyone say, “they mean well though…”… Do they? Can someone mean well when what they have done meant all but well? Have you ever wanted to just grab someone by the shoulders and shake them and yell “WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN SOMETHING SO PERFECT?!”.. The title of this post, it is what it is. It is being numb. The king of all emotions. The hurricane of every emotion inside of you mixing together and destroying the person it consumes. I am lost in my own mind. Do you know someone who is a genuinely amazing good person, and they get dealt the shittiest hand, yet they stay strong.. Even stronger than your self. I do. I think we all do. Someone please tell me why we don’t know what we have until it is gone. Don’t worry, i am not depressed. I am a generally happy person, but a happy person with TOO MUCH on her mind. Good night<3
Why do we freak our selves out about things we just have no control over? I am going to give my self a heart attack before i’m 30! Money, career, love, future, goals, etc… MAKE IT STOP! Answer all the questions for me so I don’t have to wonder anymore.
NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?! … I seem to have an ongoing problem with forgetting how young 18 really is. I mean, I just finished high school a year ago and already i feel like I have fallen behind in starting a career for the rest of my life….Side Note: Taking a year off before starting college = BAD IDEA… Acting has been a life dream since i was 10 years old, but the process is just a ton of waiting, being patient, auditioning, small jobs here and there, and continuous testing of whether or not you have the patience to keep it up. Don’t get me wrong, I have not and will not give up. But i can’t just count on the possibility of making a promising career out of acting to get me by. I want to go to college for business administration and get a bachelors in science of marketing. Dream #2…. A job at BGT Partners in the department of strategy and analytics. Is it unrealistic to want to do everything? Travel, acting, marketing, entrepreneur, be a part of an organization that lets me see a side of the world us americans are oblivious to… There is so much to do in this world yet its almost as if the first step to doing so is just nonexistent. I wish there was a “How to do everything, for dummies” book. That is why this blog exists. It is my motivation. I want to be able to post 5 years from now and maybe be in a couple movies, have started my internship at BGT, have my name in a charity, and anything else on my bucket list. Whatever the dream may be, I don’t want to quit just solely based on the fear of people criticizing my ability to accomplish these things. And believe me when I say I won’t quit for that reason, and I will get these things done.
BEING HAPPY. Not being skinny or eating the right amount of calories! Okay, maybe if you are a little overweight and the only thing that would make you happy is to be skinny, then go for it! But in all honesty, its so easy to be healthy and live a long life. Stop stressing about every tiny thing in life. So what if you are working a minimum wage job. You should be grateful to even have a job these days. And so what if you just got dumped on your ass by the person you gave everything to. I know it sounds harsh, but lets get one thing straight. Everything happens for a reason. So if you feel like there is no one else out there for you, then you will learn to move on. Why not skip the mourning period of terrible events in our lives, when we know that soon enough we’ll be back to normal. Easier said than done. But not impossible. If its too hard to skip the grieving all together, then just grieve less. I’m not always as good at doing thing things i say to do. But i hope that someone else is better at it. That my words will make one person in this world realize that they really should be happy. Thats enough for me to feel happy too! Enough random babble…. I promise to learn how to be a happy person no matter how shitty the hand i am dealt is. And i hope everyone else will too.<3