Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t.

I’ve really learned that relationships can make and break a person. Some build you into this perfect pet. You become the puppet to your master in the relationship. Or you become the master of your personal puppet. My biggest problem in life…I let people walk all over me. Always have. In a relationship, it will ruin you to let that happen. I am the type of person that wants so badly to be “the perfect girlfriend”. To be the one that isn’t the crazy bitch. The one that he brags about. But when your feelings start to catch up with you, you realize that you can’t take it anymore. Crazy bitch or not, when you love someone, the littlest things they do against you can hurt monumentally. I find it so hard to show someone when they’ve hurt me. How do you show someone they were wrong when they refuse to believe they could ever be wrong. Leaving them is too much. I don’t want to give up because it would hurt so much. But being with them in times of struggle hurts just as much, if not, more. Remember when I said this is going to get personal? This is my way of cutting open my own mind and letting the thoughts bleed out. Feedback from a total stranger is strangely comforting. Pun intended! Basically, relationships come down to DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T!untitled9

To The New Year.

My first day of 2013 was, well, to say the least, Not good. A result of a little too much new years eve partying. But you know what i realized today… Some things are better left unsaid. And you cant move forward without letting go of the past. A few years ago if you would have asked me what the most important thing in my life was, i would say my acting career. But now, if you ask me, i’ll say my relationship. The person I love has changed my life in so many ways and i love every single moment of it. And i used to think there was something wrong with changing my top priorities. But now i realize that life goes on and we realize certain things are more important than others. There is nothing wrong with changing your goals or your desires. I want to have a good job that i am happy doing. Whether it be acting, or marketing. But most importantly, I want to get married. I want a house of my own to show that i have worked hard and i earned it. I want kids that i can raise with my husband and be proud of them no matter what it is they choose to do. I want to have the normal everyday struggles in life without the fake “Everything is perfect” movie fantasy. But i don’t want to make the mistake of planning my life out. I don’t want to have one single goal and give up everything in order to achieve it. Because if there is one thing i learned in 2012, probably the most eventful year of my life, it’s that you can’t plan your life out. There is no way of knowing just how much the unexpected can change your life. So this is to a new year, and new opportunities. Cheers to living day by day, and enjoying the little things.picture_17


About a little over a year ago i deleted my facebook account. I didn’t have anything else like a twitter or instagram. I was social network free, and let me tell you, IT FELT AMAZING! I didn’t have to worry about how many friends I had, i didn’t have to worry about how many likes i got on my status or my photo. And the biggest thing of all, I didn’t have to obsess over my boyfriends profile and who was talking to him. Even better was that my boyfriend had agreed to also delete his facebook. Our relationship couldn’t have been better. No worries, no paranoid feelings, nothing. But then he got a twitter. And i didn’t have one. But i could easily google his twitter and view it. So i did. And once again i had something to worry about. Something he had that i didn’t and it made me constantly paranoid. So just 3 days ago i decided to get a twitter. It felt nice to reconnect with old friends and hear people tell me they miss me. But in just 3 days, that stupid website made me and my boyfriend fight so much over probably the most ridiculous things ever known to be fought about. Also once again, i found myself obsessing over every girl that he talked to or followed. It is just so unhealthy for anyone to be subjected to that. This is why in todays society, women are so obsessed with their appearance. Because everyone edits their pictures to make them look like a perfect flawless version of themselves, and women aim to look like that in real life. Well news flash ladies… ITS NOT POSSIBLE! You cant airbrush your face in real life. Or edit every flaw. You can however develop eating disorders, wear 10 pounds of makeup, and get plastic surgery… But why can’t you just be happy with who you are? Is it that hard to just let go of the social networking and actually socialize with people face to face? My social life was 10 times better when i had no facebook or twitter. Anyways, I already deleted my twitter after 3 days, and i couldn’t be more happy. If anyone is doing anything wrong that affects me, then i will eventually find out. If i am meant to. I’m done searching for reasons to be unhappy. facebookcrack

In the end, you end up where you are meant to be…Based on what you do.

Old pictures always remind me of where i came from. But what I always realize is that at that very moment in those pictures, i didn’t know where I was supposed to end up. And living right now in this very moment, i realize that no matter what crazy events pop up that seem unexpected or completely life changing, those events are what will lead me to where i am meant to be. Those events are very necessary. They define me. 20 years from now i will look back, and every event that has occurred will amaze me at how much it has changed the course of my life. As long as those events are ones I stand by and agree with, i will always end up happy. Have you ever looked back and said, “I regret that.”? Think about it! Do you really? Do you regret it? Or are you happy with everything you have right now? Because that very moment you may think you regret, if it had not happened, you may not be in the same place. Or maybe you are miserable right now, then yes, maybe you do regret what you did. But being miserable is a choice. If you choose to dwell on your own wrong doings, then yes you will be miserable. Or you can choose to be happy. Choose to forgive your self. No one says you have to forget. But just get over it. Move on and realize that you can make what you want out of what you have, or you can make nothing. Being miserable is refusing to let your self forgive the mistakes you have made, or refusing to forgive your self for the things you are afraid to do. Do those things, and forgive your self, and you will realize that being happy is a decision you are capable of making. I have held back on doing things in the past that i sometimes wish i would have done. But when i really take the time to think about it i realize that if i had done those things, i would have never ended up where i am now. And I LOVE where i am now. Yes, the things i never did in the past will always remain a mystery, but at least i found a way to be happy through it all. Remember, Most people regret the things they did not do… Not the things they did. Remember that as long as you make decisions that are ultimately to make sure you wind up happy, you won’t regret them. Don’t make decisions based on guilt, or others happiness, or even for the fear of regretting never doing it. Make decisions based on you. Your happiness. Your future. What do you want out of life? Do you want money, happiness, love, lust, fortune, fame, peace….? The decisions are in your hands. Remember that no matter where you end up in life, you put your self there….enjoy-journey-life-photography-quote-Favim.com-145467_large

The Future. AKA, The Unknown…

There are two things I try not to let control my life, First being regret, and the other being fear of the unknown. People constantly tell me, “You’re only 18. Stop stressing about everything. Enjoy it while it lasts!” .. But what I can’t stop stressing about is that I won’t be only 18 forever, and I hate not knowing what will happen later on down the road. You see, when I was 11, there were only 2 things on my mind for my future and that was me, and my acting. I didn’t really need anything else to be happy as long as I could do acting for the rest of my life. But everything happens for a reason, the only problem is, I don’t know if the reason I am not an actress yet is because I am not meant to be one, or because I am not meant to be one YET. Along the years of growing up, I stumbled across something I NEVER thought I would have. A serious relationship. I fought very hard to be with the person I am still with for almost 2 years now. And I remember everyone repeating the same things to me, “Don’t let this relationship stop you from reaching your dreams.” or “If you had to choose, Which one would you go with? Your relationship, or your dreams?”… Why can’t I have both? But now, my mind is so overwhelmed with thoughts of, What if acting doesn’t work out? What job will you have? Should you go to school for a backup plan? Are backup plans just predetermined failure? Or are backup plans called being smart? Don’t you want a job that is stable and you can have a family with? Don’t you want a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 office job? One with steady income and opportunity? Can you be happy doing that? Or will you spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that this is what it came to, no acting, sitting in an office, with a normal house and a normal family? Or is that what happy is? Having a family, and someone to love, and opportunity that comes in small bits everyday. Not having to travel or worry about the fame becoming too much for your significant other… Geeez, I feel like i’m already 30! What it really comes down to for me is being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Sure, acting makes me extremely happy, but not at the cost of having success with no one to share it with that I love and the loves me. I guess we will just have to see where I go. Maybe I will hit it big with acting, and keep an amazing relationship. Or maybe I will have a successful business career. Whatever the case may be, I can promise you that I wont let my self do anything that makes me unhappy. ❤grass-happiness-heart-photography-quote-ralph-waldo-emerson-Favim.com-52924


When you have a mind that refuses to do anything except what you really truely want to do, Life becomes a little more complicating. You see, I have this mentality. I want to change someones life. I want people to listen to what I have to say. I want to be happy, and I want others to be happy too. Because it is so hard to be happy when there are so many miserable poeple around you. I forget that I am so young sometimes. And even when I remember that I am young, or someone reminds me, I refuse to believe that, that means I can relax. My dreams and goals are a bigger part of me than my arms and legs. But when living in a world where so many people give up on their goals and dreams for things that are more “realistic” or socially acceptable, it becomes a real mission impossible to keep the motivation to get where I want to go. It really is a struggle. Why is it that people care more about what you have to say when you are famous? What causes that desire? That attraction? Well, just because everyone doesn’t care what I have to say now doesn’t mean its going to stop me from writing, because one day, when I have finally gotten to where I am trying to go, this blog will be their obsession. The inside of the mind of a person who was once struggling just as much as they one day may be to keep their motivation to get what they want. People need some comfort. It is nice to know that you are not alone in the struggling and constantly trying. So for those of you reading now, thank you. For those of you reading this a few years from its posted date, yes, it is really difficult to stay with it. To keep pushing forward when everything is trying to hold you back. But believe me, It will payy off!


People are created pure individuals. Individuals with empty mind sets. They gain knowledge and beliefs based on the things the people around them teach them to believe and do. So why are there so many people that are exactly alike? Why are so many people eager to be like the one next to them? Well, some individuals are brought up in a way that teaches them to be them selves, and unfortunately being ones self is so hard for people these days that they look to the next person in order to find a place to belong. A place to fit in. So that means that the world is filled with people so similar to one and other but none of them really actually understand their beliefs or why they even believe what they do. But no one questions anything. This is normal. Right? Isn’t normal doing what everyone else is doing? If you don’t know what to believe, believe what everyone else does. Right? It could be so simple. The world would be filled with so much interesting things if everyone were themselves. Think of all of the different things there would be to see and experience. No one thing would be the same. But that is just not reality. Either believe in god or go to hell. That is the lies our world spoon feeds to us. And the grown adults that give into the poison that is in those spoons are happy to cave in. They have infant minds. Still absorbing information as if they dont have opinions of their own. Don’t let anyone feed you their beliefs. Believe what you want to believe. Do what you want to do. Don’t follow anyone. And the only thing you should want to follow you is your shadow.